Let me take that back. Go ahead and watch it, but only by following these steps:

1. Have somone pay for your ticket.
2. Make sure to bring a handheld system with you (preferably a Nintendo DS) and a good game (like New Super Mario Brothers).
3. Watch the first 15 minutes of the movie. Nice cars and extreme violence; the way all movies should start.
4. Leave the theater and fire up your NDS from step 2. Play for the next 1 hour and 15 minutes.
5. Re-enter the theater and watch the last 30 minutes. Enjoy the action and firefights.

What bugged me about this movie is that I wanted to like it. I like Heat and Collateral, so I figured that this movie would fall in line with those. The two actors look like a great modern-day version of the detectives from the TV show. The firefights were so loud and lifelike that I thought that one of the bad guys was sitting next to me shooting at the screen.

When I mean loud, I don’t mean like 80s action movies loud. I mean like there are people in the theater surrounding you and shooting at each other. If you go see this movie, it should be for the gun fights (all 2.5 of them). The story, if it is there, was totally lost on me. I didn’t understand anything that anyone was saying; maybe it was all the loud gunshots. I thought everyone was speaking English, but they spoke so quickly, so low, and so full of police/drug cartel jargon that I just couldn’t follow what was going on.

That’s the phrase I used two days into my four-day vacation in San Antonio. If I were a bit sharper, I would have realized that’s what I was getting into before I even got onto the plane, or even before I booked the flight. On the other hand, Nad knew exactly what she was doing. I’m not complaining, mind you. We had a great deal of fun, and I’d do it again without thinking twice.

I’m thinking of anecdotes that I can relate, but most of it is a little too NC-17 for this site, which I try to keep firmly in the PG-13 realm.

Instead, I’ll tell you that Texas is hot. By hot, I mean HOT. Muggy too. It was nasty all the time. We drove a Hyundai Sonata (2006, I think) with the A/C blasting at all times, and we both believe that it is a viable alternative to a Honda Accord or Toyota Camry. It even looks sharp too. Lots of leg room, and enough pep to speed past the slow pokes on I35 (or any other road you happen to be on).

We saw Superman Returns. If you liked Superman I and II, or just like comic book movies in general, do yourself a favor and watch this movie. We watched it in an interesting theater where they served you dinner 15 minutes before the movie started. Stuff like pizza and burgers. There were bar-style stands in front of all the seats where you could keep your dinner and drinks. In the third act of the movie, the waiters would return to deliver the check. It was an interesting experience. My only complaint was that the seats did not recline.

I’ve got more to talk about. I’ll post again a bit later.

I’m working from home today. While I code away I’m watching Transformers: The Movie, and I just saw the part where Hot Rod and Kup’s ship gets blown up by Galvatron. Springer says, “Kup and Hot Road just bought it,” to which Ultra Magnus replies, “I can’t deal with that now!”

Excuse me, but Springer didn’t say, “The toilet is overflowing” or “We are running out of Mountain Dew.” He said, “Kup and Hot Rod just bought it,” as in they are dead. He just shrugged it off because he was too busy trying to save his own ass. Optimus Prime would never had said some shit like that.

Edit: C’mon Magnus, the Autobots’ darkest hour is when you are about to get shot? Talk about being full of yourself. I’m happy the Matrix didn’t open for you and Galvatron’s boys popped several caps in your ass. Thay way, we didn’t have Ultramus Prime or Magnumus Prime or Ultramagnimus Prime or some other such nonsense leading the Autobots.

Obviously, someone liked Magnus alot, since he got shot like seven times and the Junkions just put him back together like he was made of Lego. Yet Prime gets shot three times and he died. Hell, Starscream got shot once and he became a ghost, who later defies the laws of both time and space in Beast Wars: Transformers. What’s up with that?